Compatibility In Marriage

God hates divorce! And He hates everything related to it, because He created marriage as a permanent union of husband and wife in a one flesh relationship. That's the Biblical norm. That's why He created us male and female: "For this reason a  man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).


The Hebrew word (davaq) was translated by the King James Bible as cleave. We no longer use the word cleave in that way. In fact, cleave means quite the opposite in modern day English. The Hebrew davaq, however, does mean to cling, keep close, stick together.

"My bones stick to (davaq) my flesh and to my  skin," writes Job (Job 19:20). 

The word also refers to clinging to another with love and faithfulness. Thus Ruth clung (davaq) to Naomi, her mother-in-law. She insisted that she would never leave her. Wherever Naomi went, Ruth would go. "Your people will be my people and your God will be my God," she insisted (Ruth 1:14-17). This text is often used as the basis for the homily in a Divine Service where a man and woman publicly exchange their marriage vows.


The same davaq word speaks of the love and loyalty with which God's chosen people cling to Him. Joshua reminds the Israelites that the LORD has given them their homeland. Therefore they must never "mix with these nations remaining among you or make mention of the names of their gods or swear by them or serve them or bow down to them, but you shall cling (davaq) to the LORD your God just as you have done to this day" (Joshua 23:7-8).


That is the kind of undivided loyalty that is essential in marriage. The marriage partners make a covenant with one another, a covenant to davaq to one another for better or worse, in sickness or in health. This is a commitment that transcends what modern culture calls compatibility. Compatibility focuses upon individual feelings, needs, wants and desires. The emphasis is upon common interests, upon being what some call soul partners. That does not always happen. Conflicts and tensions do arise. Marriage partners discover how much they differ from one another. Their initial love grows cold as they realize, for instance, that the husband's love for hunting and fishing conflicts sharply with the wife's passion for music and the arts.


Is incompatibility therefore a reason for divorce, as we often hear in divorce proceedings? Not in itself, especially in a Christian marriage. I will admit that compatibility issues often make marriage very difficult. This is why pastors emphasize counseling before marriage. Couples need to look into these matters so that they may anticipate conflicts and tensions. They need to examine what draws them together beyond physical attraction, beyond the passions they feel when together.


This is also why faith commitments are critical. When both come together sharing a common belief in Christ's love and forgiveness for them, they find in that love the strength and power to work through their conflicts, to make allowances for differences, to forgive one another and to move forward in spite of compatibility issues.


The commitment a man or a woman makes to davaq to the other transcends feelings, interests, desires and needs. I know, I know. That's a very hard thing to say and most marriages cannot exist on the basis of commitment alone. Yet this is the ideal. And this is sometimes the only glue that holds some marriages together.


I need to say more about the concept of one flesh next time.