The Tragedy of Divorce

As we continue our discussion of the tragedy of divorce one of you writes, 

I have been in a marriage for 28 years and my husband verbally and emotionally abuses me daily. When other people are around his whole demeanor changes and he is attentive to me and speaks highly of me. When we are out of earshot of our friends the verbal abuse begins. He is always angry at me. I am 63 years old now and do not want to be alone, but find myself dreaming of starting a new life away from this mental abuse. What does the Lord teach about a woman divorcing her husband because he does not love her?

Pretense, anger, mockery, contempt, demands, neglect, shouting, physical and mental abuse—over and over and over again. How often have I seen these things, poured upon a marriage partner sometimes by a husband and, yes, sometimes by a wife. Where is love? What indeed does the Lord teach about divorce in such instances? Are these legitimate and proper reasons for divorce? Or, as we have so often heard, is fornication the only ground for divorce? Others have written that malicious desertion with no intent ever to return to the marriage is also a reason for divorce, because by that disertion the marriage has already been broken. In that connection they quote Paul (1 Corinthians 7:15): 

But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 

The critical word in the above quote from Paul is peace. What does the Apostle mean to tell us by reminding us that God has called us to peace? The word has its roots in the entire teaching of the Old Testament. Among God's Hebrew speaking people it is called shalom. In its verbal form shalom points to the act of finishing what you started, completing your transaction, paying your debts and making a permanent covenant.


Consider the way the people of Gibeon made peace (shalom) when Israel moved in to conquer the promised land. When the Gibeonites heard what had happened to Jericho and the little town of Ai, they were frightened out of their wits. So they tricked Joshua and the Israelites into thinking they were a group of travelers and "Joshua made peace with them and made a covenant with them, to let them live, and the leaders of the congregation swore to them" (Joshua 9:15). There would be no war or fighting among them. The Gibeonites became servants to the Israelites.


The whole idea of shalom means more than the absence of war, however. It refers to wholeness, harmony, unity, oneness, completeness. This is what God offered to His people after King David's reign. David had been a man of war. Under him Israel had become a mighty nation, but it did not have true shalom. That was to come from David's son, Solomon. His very name meant shalom. He would be a Prince of Peace. The Lord promises, "Behold, a son shall be born to you who shall be a man of rest. I will give him rest from all his surrounding enemies. For his name shall be Solomon, and I will give peace (shalom) and quiet to Israel in his days" (1 Samuel 22:9).


Yet even Solomon could not bring permanent and lasting peace. At best it was rest from all of Israel's enemies. Lasting peace was yet to come in the greater son of David. Solomon was but a type, an example, pointing to what was yet to be. So the prophet Isaiah saw in a prophetic vision the coming of the true Prince of Peace:

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

This is what the angel proclaimed to the shepherds on the night that Jesus was born: 

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!" (Luke 2:14). 

This is what Jesus brought to the earth through His life, death and resurrection. So the Apostle teaches,

"But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility" (Ephesians 2:13-14).

Marriage is to be the earthly sign of that peace, that shalom. Later in his letter the Apostle writes that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, His body, and gave Himself for her. A man's wife is his body which he feeds, nourishes, protects and cares for. That is his bonded responsibility, his joyful obligation. She and he are one, bound together in this mysterious union that is renewed day by day. In this union we glimpse what is yet to come when Christ presents His bride, His body, the church to His Father on the last day (Ephesians 5:26-33).


It remains yet to answer my correspondent's question, "What does the Lord teach about a woman divorcing her husband because he does not love her?" It seems that your husband has broken the covenant between you. He has built a wall of hostility and hatred between you. You and he are no longer at peace, one in Christ and one with one another. It seems that you are not married and have not been so for quite some time.


Of course, I do not know your husband. I do not know his heart. Nor do I know you. This I do know. Marriage always involves both of you. Things have happened between the two of you. You both have brought your past with you into the marriage and continue to do it daily. For whatever reasons you no longer have a oneness between you. Only mutual sorrow and repentance, plus mutual forgiveness in Christ can truly break down the wall that now divides you. I urge you both to go to your pastor or to a Christian counselor. See if there is any chance, any possibility of shalom in your marriage.


Ultimately—and I speak with deep concern and humility—if your husband persists in building that wall between you, you may have to treat him as the one who has abandoned the marriage, deserted you. No one can stand in your way. God has called us to peace!