The Pain And Suffering Of Divorce

In these past day we've been looking at human sexuality and marriage. We will now to take a brief look at divorce and remarriage. We'll do that against the background of what we have seen our Lord teaching in His Word about the beautiful order of marriage and our sexuality. 


All of us Christians regard divorce with great seriousness. Using the concept of "one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24), C.S. Lewis provided a clear picture in his book Mere Christianity: 

. . . Christianity teaches that marriage is for life. There is, of course, a difference here between different Churches: some do not admit divorce at all; some allow it reluctantly in very special cases. It is a great pity that Christians should disagree about such a question; but for an ordinary layman the thing to notice is that the Churches all agree with one another about marriage a great deal more than any of them agrees with the outside world. I mean, they all regard divorce as something like cutting up a living body, as a kind of surgical operation. Some of them think the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases. They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment. What they all disagree with is the modern view that it is a simple readjustment of partners, to be made whenever people feel they are no longer in love with one another, or when either of them falls in love with someone else.

In this manner Lewis helps us to see why God wills that marriage be for life. The promises partners make are not casual. They are promises that respond to the deepest needs we have as humans. How often in pastoral counseling have I not listened to a man or a woman speak about the great pain they suffer because of being alone and forsaken after divorce. They tremble as they ponder how to deal with the future alone. Together all couples face an uncertain future, but they do so together. Together they each have another who knows them with all their weaknesses and strengths. Together they each have another who trusts and values them as persons, not mere objects. Alone they have no one. Divorced and alone they feel they have failed and been failed.


And then there are the children. It is impossible to underestimate the disruption and uncertainty divorce brings to them. This is why we become especially afraid for them. This tiny newborn boy or girl is a sign of the unity of marriage. The very center of this child's identity is bound up in his or her family. That is why he or she carries the family's name. And behind that name is a history reaching back to the very beginning. Everything about this child is wrapped up in being the child of this man and this woman, these parents. This is who he is. This is how she claims her selfhood, her personality. When parents decide to tear apart their marriage they are inflicting deep wounds upon their children. Yes, they may—or may not—recover and move on, but the wounds will remain for the rest of their lives.


Moreover Christian parents must realize they have spiritual commitments as well. When they become man and wife and are blessed with children they also receive a command and a duty. That duty is to bring their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). They are to lead them into a personal relationship with their Good Shepherd, feed them with His Word and bring them to His Supper. Yes, I have seen this done by Christian parents even after divorce, but oh how much more difficult it is. And how difficult it becomes for these parents and their pastors and instructors to teach the children about the self-sacrificing love and forgiveness that makes marriages permanent and homes secure (Ephesians 5:21-30).


In the quote above, Lewis speaks about what the world around us calls love and how we easily talk about falling out of love as an acceptable excuse for divorce. Here I remind you of what we heard earlier in this discussion about commitments. We are no longer in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:22-24). Because of sin the gates to that garden are locked and none may enter, regardless of how we sing about it. Out here, east of Eden, the weeds and thorns grow. Out here it is not at all easy to keep our commitments. The road ahead is very narrow and difficult (Matthew 7:13-14). And it is so very tempting to turn off to the wider paths, especially in the midst of storms and battles.


At this point I must be very, very cautious and compassionate. As a pastor I've worked with numerous marriage partners who took the path leading to divorce. I must not, I will not, be cavalier and disrespectful about anyone who struggles with such a decision. It is all too easy and simplistic, for example, to say to a battered and abused wife, "Forgive as you are forgiven in Christ. Now go back home and be a good wife and mother."


I'll say more about that another time. For now know that in His Word God teaches that divorce is a tragedy and He hates it (Malachi 2:16). But even then He does not forsake His children.