When Being Married Hurts

Making a lifelong commitment is wonderful on your wedding day when you are in love. But then come the difficult days and 'this ain't fun no more'! In truth, divorce and getting out seems the only real alternative. But is it—really? The danger in those moments is to give up. Its not working out. It never will. Its too hard. There has to be another option.


There is. In faith a Christian couple takes hold of this promise: 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). 

To know is to trust in the promise of the Savior who has redeemed you both. With prayer and the help of fellow believers, perhaps your pastor and maybe even a professional counselor, the pain of your deteriorating relationship can be relieved. New ways of communicating can arise, new understandings. You can learn the meaning of forgiveness and patience.


We who have been married for a long time—in my own case over 50 years—know that it isn't always easy. The pressures and the temptations come from our own selfish and careless desires. They come from the godless and idolatrous world around us. They come from within the Christian community. They even come from our families—all too often, it seems. In those times our hearts scream out, "Get me out of here. Oh God, now!" But it seems that He doesn't hear. He ignores our prayers and leaves us to grapple and struggle with the situation.


Why? We love Him. Why does He leave us? Why doesn't He answer?


In those moments I urge you to take hold of His promise: all things work together for good.  All things? Yes, He is using even this for your good. In those moments we are with Jesus again in the Garden. "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me." The wine was bitter. It was vinegar and He did not want to drink it. "Please, oh Father please. Must I?"


And then came the moment of submission. ". . . nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will" (Matthew 26:39). And in that nevertheless the path to our salvation became secure. He carried the grief of our rebellion and disobedience. He was willing to be separated from His Father. He was ready to endure the hell before Him. He was prepared to die.


That's what marriage is all about. In this relationship we are given, yes, we are gifted with an opportunity to be faithful to that one person in particular whom God has given to us. And in accepting that opportunity we are saying back to God that we believe in Him, that we trust Him. We are acknowledging that He is and always will be faithful to us and to all His children redeemed upon the cross. In marriage we have another opportunity to follow Him, another wondrous opportunity to share His redeeming love. That's why the Apostle writes these words,

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:31-33).

This is the pattern, the template, the model, the design for marriage. There is no other love like this anywhere. In forgiveness and in faith we learn about His love again and again. In forgiving our spouse and in accepting forgiveness for our own stupid failures, we rediscover what Paul writes about. We discover and rediscover time and time again the profound mystery of God loving us in Christ. Nothing, nothing at all can or ever will separate us from that love. This time of trouble cannot. Nor can our failures, our financial or physical distress, not even the danger of death we may have to face (Romans 8:38-39). In His love we discover the power and the strength to commit ourselves to the well being of our spouse and nothing short of death can break that bond.


Yes, I know. I'm speaking about an ideal that is not always there. Marriages, also marriages of Christians break up. Christians divorce. I need to say something about that another day. For now, think about what I have written.