Gender Hierarchy In Marriage

We who hold that marriage must be defined as the union of one man and one woman for life, are often criticized for promoting marriage as a male hierarchic institution. That is to say, we believe and teach that the man is and must be the head of the marriage and the woman must submit to whatever he says or demands. The classic quote is from Paul's guidance about the marriage relationship:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing" (Ephesians 5:22-24 - KJV). 

Many young women meeting with me in pre-marital sessions made it very clear that they were not willing to vow to submit to their husband in everything. They had heard too many times about how a domineering husband defended his actions by insisting his domineering was a God-given right. These young women did not believe it and insisted that they were every bit the equal of their husbands-to-be.

On the other hand, I have also heard a battered wife tell me that her husbands was sorry for what he had done. So she was returning to the marriage. After all, this is the Lord's will, regardless of what he has been doing. And, the Bible says that a wife is to submit in every thing.

Is that really what the Apostle says in Ephesians 5? Is that God's plan? Is there to be a gender hierarchy in marriage?

Lets look at the Ephesians quote again. We'll start with the Greek verb hypotasso, translated as submit or be subject to. The word occurs 49 times in 32 N.T. verses. For instance, we read that Jesus Himself submitted to His parents after they found Him in the temple (Luke 2:51). And the disciples sent out by Jesus came back rejoicing that the demons were subject to them in Jesus' name (Luke 10:17). Again the Apostles teach that we must all submit to established governing authorities, because they have their authority from God (Roman 13:1). Those uses of the verb must mean the wife is to submit to her husband—except that her husband is also to submit to her! Paul writes,

"And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:18-21). 

What's going on here? We believers are to sing together with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. This no doubt refers to worshipping together, not merely by mouthing the music, but by "making melody to the Lord" from our hearts, giving thanks always and for everything in our lives to the Father. And always in Jesus' name, because He is the living source of our forgiveness, hope and life. The Apostle urges us to this literally "in the fear of Christ."

What does it mean to fear Christ or to fear God? In the Bible there are indeed two kinds of fear when it comes to our relationship with God.

1. Terror of the LORD: "Enter into the rock and hide in the dust from before the terror of the LORD, and from the splendor of his majesty" (Isaiah 2:10). The LORD is coming to judge and punish the sinner. There is no escape. The Hebrew word is pachad.  

2. Fear of the LORD: "The fear (Hebrew: yirah) of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!" (Psalm 111:10). This is not terror, but awe, reverence and love. John writes, "By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:17-19).

So Paul teaches that all of us believers in Christ, out of reverence for Him and His awesome, undeserved and gracious love for us sinners, will gladly and willingly emulate His love. Thus a wife will submit to her husband and a husband will joyfully submit to his wife. Paul goes on to illustrate how that will be: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word . . ." (Ephesians 5:25-26). In other words, Christ became the Suffering Servant of the church, His bride. He assumed responsibility for the sins of His bride. He gave up His life in her place. He died that she might live (Isa. 53:1-12). This is the way Christ, the head, cares for His body. This then also is why a believing wife gladly submits to her husband out of reverence for Christ. The believing husband likewise submits to his wife, ever ready to give himself up for her as Christ did for the church. Quite a different image from the world's view of the domineering husband who always insists on his own way.

More on this another day when we explore gender roles in marriage.