Weaving Your Lives Together

Couples planning marriage are always excited about the future. I don't think I've ever met a couple that talks about the possibility of divorce at the same time as they talk about getting married. And yet . . . that tragic possibility confronts too many. This is why the Apostle writes about the faithful walking together in love. He writes in his letter to the Ephesians,

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. . .  

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. . . 

Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. - Eph 4:32, 5:1-2, 17-27 ESV

These words fit well with the third of the categories of counsel I offer to couples planning marriage:

Weave - . . . and they shall become one flesh. - Gen 2:24 ESV 

This becoming one flesh, this weaving, happens as  you learn to hold fast to one another (cleave) and establish your own marriage and family (leave). This weaving is a lifelong task, learned from the indwelling Spirit who constantly reminds us that we are children of God, forgiven and loved in Christ. The Apostle urges us to build upon this foundation. He writes,

Therefore: 

• understand what the will of the LORD is
• be filled with the Spirit
• address one another in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs, 
• sing and make melody to the LORD with your heart
• give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus
• submit to one another out of reverence—or godly fear—for Christ

In practice this means that a faithful wife will seek to serve her husband as if he were the LORD Jesus Himself. And the husband will give himself in love to his wife in the same manner as Christ who gave himself up for His bride, the church, upon the cross. Do you both understand that love also includes commitment and sacrifice? Meditate upon 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. 

What are your plans for church membership and fellowship with fellow believers? Will you attend worship together? Will you pray together, study God's Word together and share your faith with one another? What plans do you have? 

In this connection you will want to continue your discussion about the second great purpose of marriage, namely to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it (Gen. 1:28-29). 

What about children? How much do you know about one another's sexual nature and needs? And how many children are you praying for? What views do you have about contraception and abortion? Are you both walking the same path in faithful submission to your LORD as concerns these matters? Do you want to talk more about this with me? 

And are you acquainted with one another's physical wellness? Are there any illnesses that you will have to face together? How will you handle these?  

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Many hours of discussion flow from these and similar questions, both with the pastor and in private. I offer them so that you too may take a prayerful look at your own marriage. . . and I pray that our loving God will also bless you as you work to establish and build your own family. 

Gender Hierarchy In Marriage

We who hold that marriage must be defined as the union of one man and one woman for life, are often criticized for promoting marriage as a male hierarchic institution. That is to say, we believe and teach that the man is and must be the head of the marriage and the woman must submit to whatever he says or demands. The classic quote is from Paul's guidance about the marriage relationship:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing" (Ephesians 5:22-24 - KJV). 

Many young women meeting with me in pre-marital sessions made it very clear that they were not willing to vow to submit to their husband in everything. They had heard too many times about how a domineering husband defended his actions by insisting his domineering was a God-given right. These young women did not believe it and insisted that they were every bit the equal of their husbands-to-be.

On the other hand, I have also heard a battered wife tell me that her husbands was sorry for what he had done. So she was returning to the marriage. After all, this is the Lord's will, regardless of what he has been doing. And, the Bible says that a wife is to submit in every thing.

Is that really what the Apostle says in Ephesians 5? Is that God's plan? Is there to be a gender hierarchy in marriage?

Lets look at the Ephesians quote again. We'll start with the Greek verb hypotasso, translated as submit or be subject to. The word occurs 49 times in 32 N.T. verses. For instance, we read that Jesus Himself submitted to His parents after they found Him in the temple (Luke 2:51). And the disciples sent out by Jesus came back rejoicing that the demons were subject to them in Jesus' name (Luke 10:17). Again the Apostles teach that we must all submit to established governing authorities, because they have their authority from God (Roman 13:1). Those uses of the verb must mean the wife is to submit to her husband—except that her husband is also to submit to her! Paul writes,

"And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:18-21). 

What's going on here? We believers are to sing together with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. This no doubt refers to worshipping together, not merely by mouthing the music, but by "making melody to the Lord" from our hearts, giving thanks always and for everything in our lives to the Father. And always in Jesus' name, because He is the living source of our forgiveness, hope and life. The Apostle urges us to this literally "in the fear of Christ."

What does it mean to fear Christ or to fear God? In the Bible there are indeed two kinds of fear when it comes to our relationship with God.

1. Terror of the LORD: "Enter into the rock and hide in the dust from before the terror of the LORD, and from the splendor of his majesty" (Isaiah 2:10). The LORD is coming to judge and punish the sinner. There is no escape. The Hebrew word is pachad.  

2. Fear of the LORD: "The fear (Hebrew: yirah) of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!" (Psalm 111:10). This is not terror, but awe, reverence and love. John writes, "By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us" (1 John 4:17-19).

So Paul teaches that all of us believers in Christ, out of reverence for Him and His awesome, undeserved and gracious love for us sinners, will gladly and willingly emulate His love. Thus a wife will submit to her husband and a husband will joyfully submit to his wife. Paul goes on to illustrate how that will be: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word . . ." (Ephesians 5:25-26). In other words, Christ became the Suffering Servant of the church, His bride. He assumed responsibility for the sins of His bride. He gave up His life in her place. He died that she might live (Isa. 53:1-12). This is the way Christ, the head, cares for His body. This then also is why a believing wife gladly submits to her husband out of reverence for Christ. The believing husband likewise submits to his wife, ever ready to give himself up for her as Christ did for the church. Quite a different image from the world's view of the domineering husband who always insists on his own way.

More on this another day when we explore gender roles in marriage.

Marriage: One Plus One Equals One

In my previous post I pointed to the mystery of marriage by suggesting a more accurate translation of Genesis 2:21-22, the story of Eve's creation. In that account we read how the LORD split Adam in two by taking one of his sides to make Eve. When Adam awoke he saw his other half, like him, yet different. He was separated, alienated, but here she was. He could only become one by being united to her, his wo-man.

Al Purdy points to this wondrous, strange union in words from his well-known song, "Being Alive."

Someone you have to let in

Someone whose feelings you spare

Someone who, like it or not

Will want you to share a little, a lot of being alive

Make me alive, make me confused

Mock me with praise, let me be used

Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive!

The LORD who created us declared from the beginning that "It is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18). That was why He made Adam a helper fit for him. What does that mean? It points to what Purdy wrote about, what Barbra Streisand sings about, what it means to be alive. Alone is alone, not alive. And Adam could not change that by being alone. So the LORD made a helper fit for him.

Paul comments upon this when he encourages fellow believers to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21). Then he goes on to spell out the implications of his exhortation in marriage. The Greek word for submitting (hypotassmenoi), although once a military term for arranging troop formations, here refers to giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, carrying a burden—and doing it voluntarily, out of love.

In this strange union of one man and one woman the two will encounter a paradox—one plus one equals one, not two. In this union Adam sang the first love song.

This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man (Gen.2:23)

This was it! This was the great therefore:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Gen.2:24)

And it remains the reason why men are so attracted to women and women to men, why we long to be married, joined, bonded and glued together, to become one flesh. So the whole human drama of marriage, family, community, people and country began and continues to this day. 

Now that you know the back story, the rest of the mystery of marriage will begin to unfold. You will see why it is absolutely impossible to redefine marriage in ways never intended by the Creator and Author of life. 

More on this another day.