Chief of Sinners Though I Be

Brother Tim,

One more thought before I end this week's correspondence . . .

In 1967 I enrolled in Chicago Theological Seminary's first Doctor of Religion class (now Doctor of Ministry), along with 15 other clergy of various denominations. It was a brand new and quite innovative program. I was the only Lutheran. The program I chose led to a doctorate in pastoral counseling. It began with a very intensive summer of training in hospital chaplaincy. Half of each day was spent visiting patients in The University of Chicago Hospital. I was assigned to the "dirty-gyn" ward (gynecology patients with cancer). The other half of the day we chaplains-in-training attended lectures and participated in a group where we made a verbatim, word for word report on the visits we made on patients in our assigned ward. Each one of us had his turn in the hot spot. During that time all the others in the group had opportunity to focus on the one whose report was being reviewed. What a frightening experience!

The questions came at you something like this.

You said what?! Why did you say that? She made you feel quite uncomfortable, didn't she? What were you feeling when you said that? Were you feeling anger? Did you realize what you were really saying? 

The approach was to get us to be in touch with our feelings and, in turn, to what was going on down deep inside. I have a very distinct memory of not knowing what they meant when they asked, "How did that feel?" I really didn't know how I felt. It was a brand new and most unsettling experience for me to take a look at what feelings, fears, doubts, anxieties, desires and all sorts of other feelings lurked below. I know now what my teachers were aiming for, but at the time I would walk away feeling attacked, despised, helpless, alone and incapable. On the weekends my wife was my sounding board. She told me that she had to work hard to "put me back together again" in preparation for another week of that training.

In one sense that summer was a law-Gospel experience that helped me to understand what the Apostle was getting at when he wrote these words in his first letter to his young apprentice.

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. - 1Tim 1:12-17 ESV

During those weeks I too came to realize what Paul was getting at when he was forced to take a deep and hard look at himself. His conclusion: I am chief or sinners! During the summer several of the women on the "dirty-gyn" ward left this life. They had to stand before their Maker. Did I have a message of mercy for them? For that matter, did I have a message of mercy and forgiveness for myself? Did I really believe in "the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus"? Did I truly know of the strength that comes only from Him?

Tim, I am convinced that we who are called to the pastoral ministry have nothing to share if we do not first know about that grace as it applies to us personally. I urge you to open your heart to the good and proper work of God's law. Learn from it what we all must. We are all by nature sinful and unclean. But learn also then to flee to Christ and the Gospel He has entrusted to us. In the years following that summer I have come to appreciate again and again the words of William McComb's hymn. I commend them to you as well.

Chief of sinners though I be,
Jesus shed His blood for me;
Died that I might live on high,
Died that I might never die;
As the branch is to the vine,
I am His, and He is mine.

O the height of Jesus’ love!
Higher than the heaven above,
Deeper than the deepest sea,
Lasting as eternity;
Love that found me—wondrous thought!
Found me when I sought Him not!

Chief of sinners though I be,
Christ is all in all to me;
All my wants to Him are known,
All my sorrows are His own;
Safe with Him from earthly strife,
He sustains the hidden life.

O my Savior, help afford
By Your Spirit and Your Word!
When my wayward heart would stray,
Keep me in the narrow way;
Grace in time of need supply
While I live and when I die.