Chief of Sinners Though I Be

Brother Tim,

One more thought before I end this week's correspondence . . .

In 1967 I enrolled in Chicago Theological Seminary's first Doctor of Religion class (now Doctor of Ministry), along with 15 other clergy of various denominations. It was a brand new and quite innovative program. I was the only Lutheran. The program I chose led to a doctorate in pastoral counseling. It began with a very intensive summer of training in hospital chaplaincy. Half of each day was spent visiting patients in The University of Chicago Hospital. I was assigned to the "dirty-gyn" ward (gynecology patients with cancer). The other half of the day we chaplains-in-training attended lectures and participated in a group where we made a verbatim, word for word report on the visits we made on patients in our assigned ward. Each one of us had his turn in the hot spot. During that time all the others in the group had opportunity to focus on the one whose report was being reviewed. What a frightening experience!

The questions came at you something like this.

You said what?! Why did you say that? She made you feel quite uncomfortable, didn't she? What were you feeling when you said that? Were you feeling anger? Did you realize what you were really saying? 

The approach was to get us to be in touch with our feelings and, in turn, to what was going on down deep inside. I have a very distinct memory of not knowing what they meant when they asked, "How did that feel?" I really didn't know how I felt. It was a brand new and most unsettling experience for me to take a look at what feelings, fears, doubts, anxieties, desires and all sorts of other feelings lurked below. I know now what my teachers were aiming for, but at the time I would walk away feeling attacked, despised, helpless, alone and incapable. On the weekends my wife was my sounding board. She told me that she had to work hard to "put me back together again" in preparation for another week of that training.

In one sense that summer was a law-Gospel experience that helped me to understand what the Apostle was getting at when he wrote these words in his first letter to his young apprentice.

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. - 1Tim 1:12-17 ESV

During those weeks I too came to realize what Paul was getting at when he was forced to take a deep and hard look at himself. His conclusion: I am chief or sinners! During the summer several of the women on the "dirty-gyn" ward left this life. They had to stand before their Maker. Did I have a message of mercy for them? For that matter, did I have a message of mercy and forgiveness for myself? Did I really believe in "the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus"? Did I truly know of the strength that comes only from Him?

Tim, I am convinced that we who are called to the pastoral ministry have nothing to share if we do not first know about that grace as it applies to us personally. I urge you to open your heart to the good and proper work of God's law. Learn from it what we all must. We are all by nature sinful and unclean. But learn also then to flee to Christ and the Gospel He has entrusted to us. In the years following that summer I have come to appreciate again and again the words of William McComb's hymn. I commend them to you as well.

Chief of sinners though I be,
Jesus shed His blood for me;
Died that I might live on high,
Died that I might never die;
As the branch is to the vine,
I am His, and He is mine.

O the height of Jesus’ love!
Higher than the heaven above,
Deeper than the deepest sea,
Lasting as eternity;
Love that found me—wondrous thought!
Found me when I sought Him not!

Chief of sinners though I be,
Christ is all in all to me;
All my wants to Him are known,
All my sorrows are His own;
Safe with Him from earthly strife,
He sustains the hidden life.

O my Savior, help afford
By Your Spirit and Your Word!
When my wayward heart would stray,
Keep me in the narrow way;
Grace in time of need supply
While I live and when I die.

Sorting Through Visions And Dreams

So Pastor Tim, picking up where I left off yesterday, I want to tell you a little story from my first parish. Upon graduation from the Seminary, I received a Divine Call from the Minnesota District of our denomination to start a new congregation in northwestern Ontario, Canada. Back in the '50s our church body did not have a separate organization in that part of Canada just north of Minnesota. I was to function as a missionary sent by that United States District of the Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod. With that in mind, Sylvia, my new bride, and I became landed immigrants of Canada and settled down to make a life for ourselves in what was then known as Port Arthur, Ontario.

We gathered a small congregation together and began worship services in a rented local school auditorium. The District already owned a piece of property on which we eventually built a small sanctuary, with a basement for fellowship and Bible classes. My small office was located on the first floor, just off the narthex.

One day a lady appeared at my office during a fall day some three years after we had arrived. She told me she had been sent by God to share a vision she had received. She was dressed simply in a cotton dress and wore a light coat. I'm not certain that she even told me her name. Looking back on the incident, I regret that I did not get both her name and address. I did not follow up with her after she left my office. I suppose it was because she struck me at the time as mentally disturbed and I frankly did not know what to do with her.

The Little Golden Carriage

Sitting before me, she said, "Pastor, I want to give you this little golden carriage." She proceeded to remove a tiny piece of costume jewelry, the kind one might hang on a chain to put around your neck. "Now I want you to know what this means," she continued. "The Lord spoke to me in a dream last night. He told me that you are one of His chosen. The day is approaching when you will sit on one of the twelve thrones of Israel, judging the tribes of men. This little carriage is a token that confirms what I am saying. Please keep it with you and wait, for the Lord Jesus will reveal to you what you are to do next."

All I can remember about that visit was that I felt helpless and confused. How does one respond to someone like that? Visions? Judgment Day? The twelve thrones? Where was she coming from? I was certain that she was mentally confused, but I did not know how to respond. I thanked her for sharing as she arose to leave. I held the tiny object in my hand for a long time after she was gone. I still have that little gold-colored carriage in my desk drawer. It is a reminder of my failure to respond to that troubled lady and a further reminder that I desperately needed training in the treatment of mental illness if I were ever to encounter others like her. Later in my ministry, as you know, I was able to go on to graduate school to receive training in pastoral counseling.

Yet I still puzzle about that little woman's vision to this day. How does one sort out the difference between a vision from the LORD God and the wild confusion of an unbalanced mind? The Biblical record has many accounts of dreams and visions in both Testaments. As the church moved out into the world in those early days she was often guided by visions and prophets. You are familiar with them. Here's Peter's vision to take the Gospel to the Gentiles, for instance.

The next day, as they were on their journey and approaching the city, Peter went up on the housetop about the sixth hour to pray. And he became hungry and wanted something to eat, but while they were preparing it, he fell into a trance and saw the heavens opened and something like a great sheet descending, being let down by its four corners upon the earth. In it were all kinds of animals and reptiles and birds of the air. And there came a voice to him: "Rise, Peter; kill and eat." But Peter said, "By no means, Lord; for I have never eaten anything that is common or unclean." And the voice came to him again a second time, "What God has made clean, do not call common." - Acts 10:9-15 ESV

And Paul's visions certainly influenced the direction of his ministry.

And a vision appeared to Paul in the night: a man of Macedonia was standing there, urging him and saying, "Come over to Macedonia and help us." And when Paul had seen the vision, immediately we sought to go on into Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them. - Acts 16:9-10 ESV

At this point my counsel is one of caution and love when dealing with those who offer visions and dreams. Pastors must judge all such by the rest of Scripture and the rule or analogy of faith. The Scriptures remain the final and ultimate authority and the central teaching is ever the Gospel. The LORD will never contradict Himself. The church has ever been guided by Paul's words:

But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. For neither circumcision counts for anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creation. And as for all who walk by this rule, peace and mercy be upon them, and upon the Israel of God. - Gal 6:14-16 ESV