More Pre-Marital Guidance

This week I'm sharing what I talk about with couples planning marriage. As indicated in yesterday's post, these discussions are based upon the guidance of Holy Scripture, particularly the first two chapters of Genesis, as well as our Lord's comments on the same in the Gospel of Matthew.

And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?" He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." - Matthew 19:3-6 ESV

We're at the second of the three categories guiding our discussions of Leave, Cleave, Weave—

Cleave - "Therefore a man shall . . .  hold fast to his wife."

In a marriage, there is the 'I' space and the 'We' space. Lets talk about your views on having your own space. What are your interests? Will you be pursuing them alone? Is that OK with your spouse? What about separate friends and spending time with your friends? 

Many guys love to devote some of their time to sports, both indoor and out door types. And many gals do too, but sometimes they don't share the same interests. How will you handle that? It is important that you have some frank discussions, most especially about friends. Don't allow them into your marriage. Agreed, men adore their boys' night out and girls, their shopping trips. And you will have friends who'll give you tips on everything from handling problems you might have with your in-laws to tackling your wife's tantrums but remember: friends' advice is often based on their own life experiences. They may or may not work for you. So though you may listen to them, don't always act on them.

And while we're talking about things that don't work out, let us have a frank discussion about money! That's because the money issue will always be a sticky one. Who's managing the money? You've each been handling your own money up to this point. Now you're going to have to do it together—one way or the other. Who of you will be the manager, the bookkeeper, the one who decides about investments? Will you do these things together? If you do, when, how? 

While we're on money, do you have a budget, some plan that helps you know how much you're taking in and how you will use it? Its frightening to realize that so many, many couples have no plans whatsoever for the use of their money. They get all caught up in maxing out their credit cards, in paying 18 to 25% on that borrowed money. They get themselves all tangled up in debt and then quarrel and argue about how they got there. Sit down and work out a budget. Here's some of the questions you'll need to work through. And make sure you write them down so that you both know what you're talking about and where this is going.

1. How much do you expect to take in each month? 
2. How will you keep your records? On a computer? In a book? Decide! 
3. What are the expenses that you must pay, like utilities, mortgage, car payments, etc. 
4. What about expenses that have options built in, things like clothing, hobbies, vacations, even groceries? How much of your budget will be devoted to each of these categories? 
5. What kind of a savings plan do you have? 
6. Do you know the difference between short term and long term savings? 
7. Do you have health, home and car insurances worked out in detail? Will you now merge them? 
8. Do you recognize that your first priority is to give thanks too the LORD who has brought you together and blessed you? How much will you first set aside to acknowledge this so that His kingdom may grow? 
9. What charities have you been supporting? Will this continue? 

You will have arguments and disagreements about similar issues. That is natural—in the good sense. In any discussion you both bring perspectives that can enrich one another. Therefore, be wary of You statements, like, "You always,". . . "You never," etc. That's a very quick way to shut down the conversation by laying guilt on the partner. Do you understand what I'm saying? 

Both of you must also pay attention to the we statements too. If each of you says 'Don't intrude into my space', there'll be nothing left to do together. Make a conscious effort to spend time together despite super busy careers. Simple tasks like doing household chores together can work wonders in strengthening the bond. Plan to continue dating even after marriage. At least once a month make plans for a date for the two of you. This is your time together. 

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OK. All this is more than enough to talk about today. We'll take up our discussion the next time, especially as we talk about weaving your lives together. That's going to get us further into discussions about family, children and commitment. See you then.