The Cross Of Marriage

My wife and I have often shared the story of how we met and what incidents led us to become engaged and finally married. Every couple has such a story to tell. The Christian couple says with the confidence of faith, "This was the LORD's doing. He led us to one another." Or to use formal language, our marriage is a vocation, a calling. Lets look at that understanding of marriage.

We start by defining what the Bible means by a calling or a vocation. In this life on earth Christ our Lord calls us to follow Him. The old hymn says it well.

Come, follow Me, the Savior spake,
All in My way abiding;
Deny yourselves, the world forsake,
Obey My call and guiding.
Oh, bear the cross, whate’er betide,
Take My example for your guide.

We understand our calling in the light of Peter's words,

"For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps" (1 Peter 2:20-21). 

And again, Jesus words,

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (Matthew 16:24-25).

There are two calls. The first is a call to faith. That happened when we were buried with Christ by baptism into death and brought forth again to life. As a result, we Christians confess,

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). 

This is His call into the Kingdom, His call to receive the rich gift of forgiveness and life eternal. The second call is to take up our cross and follow Him. In that call we find our lives. Jesus emphasizes this again and again.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Mat 10:39).

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls (Mat 11:29). 

So when Jesus calls us, man or woman, to take up our crosses and follow Him in the marriage relationship, He is calling us in very specific and concrete ways to lose our lives in the service of our spouses—for His sake. In other words, I am called by Jesus as a husband to love my wife, Sylvia, by dying to my own desires and rising again with Jesus to serve her, to forgive her, to care for her, to nourish and protect her. The same is true for each and every Christian spouse. This is what the Apostle is getting at in Ephesians 5:20-26 when he calls upon us believers to serve one another—in the name of Jesus .

Now it may seem strange to use the language of the cross when speaking about marriage. The world around us would certainly reject such an attitude. From the world we hear talk about love, love, love. The offended spouse says, "I don't love her any longer. She's not attractive to me. That's why I fell in love with this other woman. Now I want a divorce so I may marry my new found love."

"Not so," says the believer. "Jesus has called me to take up my cross and follow Him. I will serve my Savior and Lord by denying my self-centered, sinful, selfish desires for the sake of my wife whom He has given to me to serve. I will forgive her and reject the temptation to get involved with that other. I will be there for her, to guide, protect and care for her no matter what. When she offends me, I will forgive her. When she gets sick, I will nurse her. When she is happy, I will celebrate with her. When she is afraid I will protect her. When she is lonely I will come to her. And when she is sad and troubled I will comfort her. This is my calling, my cross to bear in the name of Jesus and as His servant."

The amazing and wondrous thing is that in so doing I find life. I come upon a mystery otherwise hidden from me. I discover what it means to be a whole, complete person. From Jesus I learn a new gentleness, contentment, deep joy, happiness and rest—an inner, psychic peace unknown before.

This is the cross we believing spouses bear in our marriages. And in our cross we find peace and joy!

 

Healing And Growth In Our Families

We're continuing our discussion of the third purpose of marriage: restraint of sin. 


Have you ever asked a newly married couple if they plan to have children and they answer, "No! We have too many other things to do with our lives?" It happens, doesn't it? Couples reject the very thought of having kids in order to pursue their own self-centered plans.


But then the baby comes anyway, even at the most inconvenient time. And everything changes. I mean everything. This little person demands to be fed, have his diaper changed, put to bed, taught to walk, and on and on. The demands never end. And that is when marriage becomes a most wonderful place of learning, maturity and growth. In the family the children aren't the only ones to mature and grow up. Parents also learn to grow up and take on ever increasing responsibilities.


Of course we all know it doesn't always work that way. Our sinful nature does not disappear just because we have children. It asserts itself in endless ways. And here I'm talking to parents. Sadly some parents beat and whip their children into submission, ignore, neglect, shame, despise or force them into activities beyond their native abilities. They use their children to win their own glory, sexually abuse them, emotionally harass them and more—the list goes on and on.


Unless all in a family learn to control their self-interests—and the all includes both parents—everyone is hurt. How often have I seen that even in Christian homes, to say nothing about those families in which Christ is not present. This is why the larger Christian family, the church, emphasizes the importance of hearing God's Word, renewing our Baptism and eating and drinking at the Lord's Table week by week. These are the means by which our Lord continues the process that began with our rebirth, that moment when His Spirit gave us new life. When Jesus is present in our families to nourish our souls, guide our decisions, forgive our sins and heal our losses, we all grow together. That's a process that continues throughout our lives. It is a process that eventually includes all members of the extended family, grandparents, grandchildren, cousins, uncles, aunts and beyond. 


In this connection we must also speak about suffering, pain, separation and death. Strangely, even paradoxically, these times can even become opportunities to learn and grow. A soldier-husband is called to duty in a foreign country. Mom is left behind to raise and care for the children all by herself. A wife is suddenly afflicted with a mysterious disease that leaves her crippled and Dad is forced to work and make arrangements to care for Mom and the kids. Or even worse. Mom dies and Dad is now a single parent with three small children to raise. All this falls under the command of Jesus to take up our crosses and follow Him. And in those times He does not forsake us, but provides also His Spirit to strengthen and guide. Here is His promise: 

God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it (1 Cor. 10:13). 

Those of us who have been so tested look back upon and bear witness to the truth of His Word. He is ever with us as He promises and He does provide a way out of what at times seems to be impossible situations.


To sum up this part of our discussion, the third purpose of marriage is not merely to restrain and control sin. It is much more than that. It is an opportunity for both husband and wife to learn the meaning of Christ's love, that love He displayed when He gave Himself up for us all as a personal sacrifice on the cross (Ephesians 5:1-2). Sin in marriage is not only curbed and controlled, it is most especially forgiven in the name of Christ. Thus its destructive power is removed day by day. It loses the strength to tear apart our families. Christian couples and their families learn that this controlling principle of our new life in Christ works genuine healing in our marriages and families. We learn from the living Christ to be kind and how to forgive one another, even as God in Christ daily and richly forgives us (Ephesians 4:32).